no
by dazai-san
Summary: In which Fukuzawa wonders why this is his life, Mori wants to fuck around with Fukuzawa in more than one sense of the term, and Dazai is a troll and a brilliant matchmaker. (Or the one where Dazai "convinces" the two to go on a blind date. The result is the most tense date of all tense dates in existence.) crossposted on ao3


no

In which Fukuzawa wonders why this is his life, Mori wants to fuck around with Fukuzawa in more than one sense of the term, and Dazai is a troll and a brilliant matchmaker.

(Or the one where Dazai "convinces" the two to go on a blind date. The result is the most tense date of all tense dates in existence.)

.

"President," says Dazai, out of the blue one day, "I've just realized that you have no love life."

Yukichi spits out his tea as Ranpo bursts out into laughter. He sees Yosano stifle a snort behind a gloved hand while Kunikida looks appalled at Dazai's lack of a filter. Atsushi and Tanizaki look resigned.

After regaining his composure, Yukichi asks, mustering all the dignity he has left, "Is there a reason you brought this up?"

"That can't be healthy," Dazai singsongs. Privately Yukichi doesn't think Dazai has any room to talk in the "health" department. "So why don't you let me set you up on a blind date?"

"…Why?"

"Admittedly, it's mainly because it'll be amusing." As per usual, Dazai is utterly shameless. "And why not? It'll be fun, right? Besides… even I'm not crazy enough to set you up with someone like the boss of the Port Mafia or something." Dazai smiles innocently. Yukichi doesn't trust him one bit.

"This is a terrible idea," Kunikida vouches, and Yukichi is eternally grateful. He spots Tanizaki murmuring something to Kenji, maybe what a blind date is.

Then Kyouka stands up, walks in front of his desk, and looks up at him with the most adorable expression. _Oh dear lord no_ —"Please?"

Yukichi folds like a wet towel.

.

Mori picks up the phone, already knowing who it is. "Hello, Dazai-kun. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?" Interesting. Dazai usually hates calling him.

"…" Dazai breathes, sounding annoyed, through the phone. _"I hate you, but do you want to be set up on a blind date."_

"That sounds interesting—" Mori begins cautiously.

" _Okay!"_ Dazai chirps, tone doing a complete one-eighty, though Mori's quite used to that. _"Tuesday, noon. The small café. You know where! Clear out your schedule, and you'd better come!"_

Dazai hangs up.

Mori blinks. He supposes it could be an interesting experience. He just hopes Elise won't miss him too much.

.

 _No,_ Yukichi thinks, horrified, though he likes to think he barely shows it. _No, he didn't._

"Ah," says Mori Ougai. He tilts his head, and looks mildly surprised, but not at all at the same time. Yukichi hates his expression, or maybe he just hates Mori in general. "Dazai-kun has an… interesting sense of humor."

Yukichi is really too horrified to say anything.

 _Why is this my life?_

Mori looks amused and Yukichi has the irrational urge to smack that smug look off his face. He keeps his hands in his sleeves, relaxed. "Well," drawls Mori, "I suppose we should get going."

At the moment, Yukichi can't decide if he hates Dazai or Mori more. He follows Mori into the café anyway.

.

They sit in their seats, mostly isolated (by Yukichi's choice, because he'd rather others not witness this travesty called a "date"), and a bit immaturely, Yukichi opts to stare out the window instead of looking at Mori because he's viable to try and cut his throat open with a butter knife any given second now.

Yukichi thinks that if they just sit here in awkward silence for about an hour while eating food, it'll be perfectly fine, and he'll be able to go home and glare at Dazai for the next week. Now, if Mori shares the same sentiments…

"So," Mori says, smirking as though he can read Yukichi's thoughts and is purposefully grating on his nerves (he wouldn't put it passed the Port Mafia leader), "how's your day been?"

 _Fuck you,_ Yukichi wants to say. "Poor," he does say instead. His voice is stiff and barely polite.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Mori replies, not sounding sorry at all and looking rather amused. Yukichi keeps his hands in his lap and resists the urge to stab him in the eye with a fork.

He's not a doctor, but two eyes is far too many, isn't it?

But Yukichi doesn't really want to explain to whoever is cleaning the cutlery why there's blood on it and spare them the trauma, so he deals by digging his nails into the fabric of his yukata.

There is a very long and very awkward pause, and when a waitress comes by to take their orders, she quails and looks on the verge of fainting.

"W-w-we-welcome t-to o-our c-c-café," she stutters. "C-can I-I-I t-ta-take your o-or-orders?"

Yukichi just orders some tea in the friendliest tone he can muster at the moment, even smiling awkwardly at the poor waitress in an effort to make her feel better. It's taking Mori an awfully long time to pick one though, and the waitress is visibly fidgeting.

Taking pity on her, Yukichi kicks Mori under the table very, very hard, and he takes some amount of satisfaction in the fact that Mori loses his breath very briefly. Hopefully it'll bruise. With a false wounded look, Mori places his order, and the waitress, evidently relieved, all but runs towards the kitchen.

"You kick quite hard," Mori states, lacing his fingers and resting his chin on them. He smiles, though there's no emotion behind it.

"Thank you," Yukichi responds, sitting up straight and with his hands in his lap. They twitch, longing for the butter knife.

Mori is quiet for a few blessed moments, probably thinking about what'll piss him off. "You have a very stiff way of speaking." He pauses. "Or is it just feminine? Either way, it's pretty cute."

Yukichi's brain takes a few moments to process that statement, wonders if Mori is flirting with him, and burns that possibility immediately. "…What."

"It's pretty cute," Mori repeats, smiling that stupidly smug smile of his and leaning in slightly closer. Yukichi can see his teeth gleaming. "Oho, are you _embarrassed,_ Fukuzawa?"

He'll admit that he is, but never out loud. "Shut up, Mori." It's getting a lot harder to keep his hands away from that butter knife. Yukichi wonders if gouging out Mori's balls with the fork would be extreme.

"Your body language and words don't match, Fukuzawa… _kun._ " Yukichi now knows exactly where Dazai gets all of his annoying behaviors from.

"Would breaking your nose be excessive?" Yukichi inquires out loud, his voice its usual low and quiet tone. He purposefully keeps it pleasant and even. Mori subtly draws back just a bit.

Thankfully, the waitress comes by again, shaking like a leaf, and places their orders on the table before running away again, without waiting for either of them to thank her. Yukichi pours himself a cup of tea calmly, when his hands itch to just throw the pot into Mori's face.

 _Oops,_ he thinks, not so guiltily. _Be peaceful, Yukichi._

He settles for placing the pot back down with just a bit more force than necessary and taking a long and angry sip of his tea. It's hot, but Yukichi doesn't make a comment on it, even if it scalds his tongue.

"You know, Fukuzawa- _kun_ ," Mori stresses the "kun" far too long, "this doesn't really feel like a date."

"That's good." Yukichi takes another sip of the tea, relishing the heat. This café makes pretty good tea.

"You're so antisocial, Fukuzawa." Mori positively _whines_. He at least drops the annoying honorific. "Dazai-kun went through all the trouble of setting us up, and you're not going to do anything?"

"Speaking of Dazai, I'm not exactly happy with him at the moment," Yukichi responds, glowering down into his tea. Hesitantly, he raises his gaze to meet Mori's. "You hate me as much as I hate you. Why are you so happy with this arrangement?"

"Because it'd be interesting," Mori states bluntly. "Oh, and you're cute," he adds.

Yukichi chokes on his tea. It burns his throat on the way down, and he tries not to cough. "E-excuse me?"

"I'm propositioning you," Mori says, humming. "Asking you out."

"No," Yukichi replies as soon as he's able. "And give me a reason why I shouldn't upend this tea over your head."

"Because you love me?"

Yukichi tosses the rest of his cup in Mori's face and makes him foot the bill.

.

"A second date?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Mori sighs dramatically. "I suppose I have to take drastic measures then."

Yukichi doesn't know what these "drastic measures" are, nor does he want to—Mori's face is uncomfortably close, and his fingers are around his wrist. He can see Mori's face in perfect clarity.

Then Mori closes the distance, and Yukichi has no clue what's going on because what the actual fuck.

Dimly he's aware of Mori adjusting their fingers so they're laced together. Yukichi's just mostly aware of the heat rushing to his face as Mori pulls away. His hand drops limply to his side, and he hastily turns away.

"So, a second date?" Mori asks again, smiling widely. He looks utterly unabashed.

Yukichi's face flushes with a mix of anger and embarrassment. "H-hell no," he snaps, though his voice isn't as angry as he wants it to be, and the stutter is completely unwanted.

"Alright, then," Mori says agreeably. "I'll text you the details, _Yukichi-kun._ "

" _What did you just—_ "

Mori's fled before Yukichi can finish his sentence.

Once he's gone, Yukichi feels his energy just drain through his feet and into the cement.

 _Why is this my life?_

Privately, he thinks a second date might not be so bad.

(And when he gets back home, he thinks about kisses, and his face turns red again.)

.

 _hi my name is trash and i love oufuku_

there is literally zero oufuku and im sobbing bcs this is one of my otps? why is it a rarepair cries 4ever

*also this fic was written from fuku's pov so everybody else sees him perfectly calm and shit but internally he's just super done with life

*another note mori makes fun of fuku for speaking stiffly/femininely  
fuku uses "watashi" which is a gender neutral pronoun thats usually used by girls and in formal situations (though "watakushi" is the most formal i think? my japanese is subpar i literally know up to "i suck at japanese")  
usually boys use the boku or ore pronouns mm


End file.
